Mr S. Claus
The North Pole
I am writing this letter to remind you (as if it were necessary) of my exemplary behaviour over the last twelve months. I would particularly like to remind you of how I helped an elderly lady outside the local supermarket on the 12th of June and more importantly how I let an X6 exit from a side road on the 30th of November (I promise, this actually happened). The incident of the 6th of February surely can’t be considered as naughty as the sun was very blinding at the time and all charges were subsequently dropped.
Many years have passed since I wrote to you, or received one of your very carefully chosen and discerning presents. I therefore write in the hope of rolling up over three decades of Christmases with one special gift. A very strong childhood memory is the sisyphean task selecting just one gift was. It seems the passage of time merely exacerbates the problem. After very careful deliberation and much chopping and changing I’ve settled on the Porsche 911 (a late 964 model if it’s not too much trouble please). The purist might (understandably) look for a 993. However, I understand that the economic “recovery” has not yet reached the Arctic circle and believe it or not I actually prefer the slightly more traditional and perky look of the older car. I especially like how the tail lights merge into the red reflector strip along the back. The predictable and perhaps greedy request would be the turbo. A gorgeous raspy flat six breathing normally will do me fine. This has nothing to do with the fact I would be worried about keeping it between the ditches, again it’s purely to keep your overall costs down. We’re both sensible grown ups and we both know that some of the newer models, in fact all of the water cooled iterations are just that bit too plump. I believe that you once wisely described them as supermarket chicken breasts-they look like chicken breasts (they even taste a little like chicken breasts) but are pumped so full of water they just look a little wrong. Again careful choice of car could help keep your overheads low.
I know that you are a man of impeccable taste, so it might come as a disappointment to you that I’ve always harboured some love for the whale tail. If you really feel that this oversized wing offends your perspicacious and discriminating taste, in the interests of a friction free Yuletide we can perhaps agree that this spoiler doesn’t quite fit down the chimney. In this event I promise not to overuse the retractable spoiler, at least not after the first couple of weeks. Two obese tyres at the back please with dished alloys, you have my solemn undertaking that they will only be replaced with a brand name I can pronounce.
Black would be good but anything other than red will be just fine. I give you every assurance that I will not behave in a yobbish manner, I know how you hate bad manners both on the road and in the sky. I understand that directly abaft the front wheels is the correct position for the rear shoes. I will do my utmost to resist the temptation to even breathe on the loud pedal whilst the car is in any way turning. Any other astute advice that you may have for me would be extremely welcome.
You can be assured of an extremely warm welcome. I will open and decant the ’05 Léoville Barton a little after midnight allowing it time to soften and aerate before your arrival. A home-made all butter mince pie should accompany it nicely and that will be Air on a G String you are hearing softly in the background. All lego will be carefully removed from the floor to prevent any nasty accidents. Please let me know if you need anything else.
Yours in childish anticipation
A sincere thanks and Happy Christmas to all who have read, commented and liked the blog. I hope Santa delivers your wish on the 24th (as long as it isn’t another bloody crossover).