Benign(ish) Dictator

Don’t deny it, you’ve dreamt it too. The old “if I ruled the world ” dream. It slips almost unnoticed into a corner of your mind and before you realise it fifteen very pleasant minutes have passed and this little planet of ours has been vastly improved by your wise decisions and sage pronouncements. Or maybe it’s just me.

I’d like to think of myself as a greatly loved and admired leader who didn’t get carried away chopping people’s heads off and suchlike for relatively minor offences. Obviously the first thing on the agenda would be banning fake tan and all of the paraphernalia ( including gloves, paper knickers and all spurious claims that it doesn’t smell like a compost heap with a dead fox in it).  Possession (both for personal use and sale), looking like an oompa loompa and reeking of this malodorous and deeply unpleasant product would all become capital offences.

Wearing sports gear (particularly luminous clothing) for non sporting purposes would try the patience of even the most reasonable of dictators and would of course be summarily banned. It goes almost without saying that all banker’s wages would be capped at the minimum wage and any banker asking to be bailed out would be publicly flogged (maybe this especially heinous crime does deserve beheading?) to discourage such behaviour.  Once these minor housekeeping issues had been dealt with I would turn my attention to the really important stuff….. cars!

By far the most pressing matter to be dealt with is the absolute plethora of Chris Bangle designed cars polluting our roads. A compulsory scrappage scheme would be immediately introduced combined with an outright ban on driving the Fiat coupe, Alfa 145/146 and of course the E65 7 series. Marginally less offensive models would gradually be brought under the auspices of the ban until these mobile eyesores were no longer besmirching our roads. It is of course important that we don’t forget these atrocities lest they are someday re-inflicted on us. One of each model would be saved and kept in a “Museum of Horrors” (along with the Ssang Yong Rodius). Obviously entry would be restricted to over 21s and vomit receptacles would be placed conveniently around the facility for when the sheer power of these abominations becomes to much for the visitors to take. Free counselling would be available for anyone who needed it after viewing these highly disturbing sights.

Blue 7 series BMW E65
Even Alpina’d up this truly is terrible. The very first exhibit in the “Museum of Horrors”
White Ssang Yong Rodius
A very close second place

Already I feel so much better and we’ve only just begun. Next target is any vehicle (either mechanically or human propelled) with less than four wheels. Complete and outright ban. Need I say anymore?

Cyclist breaking a red light
This will be a thing of the past


Nissan Qashqai
Don’t worry this type of crap will no longer exist

I haven’t quite decided what the punishment will be just yet for car companies that insist on selling “lifestyle cars” but it will be severe. There will also be a law prohibiting the sale of cars with a name that begins with an “M”, finishes with an “a” and has the letters “icr” in the middle. Hey I’ve just banned Micras!
I will admit that up to this point I have been a little negative but I feel with genuine justification. Certain practises had to be brought to an end. There will however be various positive programs put in place to improve this little planet of ours.

Everyone from the age of 5 will have “Car Appreciation Class” and the tenets of good driving will be taught from the age of 12 and up. The syllabus will be devised by our “Glorious Leader” aka “me!” and will be compulsory. Positive and courteous driving will be actively promoted. Everyone in slow moving traffic will be obliged to let one car out from a side road (yes that includes even us BMW drivers). Inability to promptly take such a gap or failure to acknowledge this courtesy will result in a six month licence suspension. Repeat offenders will be taken off the road permanently.

Poor driving skills in general will of course incur the wrath of the dictator. What constitutes poor driving will be exclusively decided by myself but will of course include items such as non indication on roundabouts, indecision, hogging the overtaking lane, deliberately preventing merging and any other indiscretion that I find annoying at any given time.

Mercedes W126 coupe 560 SEC
The owner of this stunning W126 coupe would be eligible for grant aid towards the upkeep of his beautiful machine

The cost of road tax will be linked to the look of the car. (Obviously modified cars will not be permitted). What defines a good looking car will be decided by me alone and especially good looking cars will qualify for government grant aid. Regular readers won’t be surprised to find Pagodas, E24s, DS and the gorgeous CLS Shooting Brake among many others here. Misguided souls who insist on driving cars that offend me either visually or aurally will be subject to punitive monthly payments reaching a peak for those deranged enough to purchase and drive a Nissan Tiida.

Blue Nissan Tiida with Kim Cattrell
Nissan Australia clearly felt the only way to sell the Tiida was by draping Kim Cattrell over the bonnet so that you might not realise just how terrible it looked. Nice try guys!


It’s important that the proletar.. sorry citizenship feel they have a stake in this utopian society. I will of course welcome suggestions from anyone as to how this world of mine can be improved and if these suggestions have merit they will immediately be implemented. Certainly anyone with the wisdom and erudition to be reading this blog will be entrusted with a responsible position in this brave new world and have the ear of this benign(ish) dictator. Feel free to get your thoughts in now so we can hit the ground running when the time comes!

2 thoughts on “Benign(ish) Dictator”

  1. Diesels. 316s with M stickers. Spoilers. (Exemptions apply to lambos. ) motorbikes without catalytic converters AND mufflers. People indicating they are about to turn right at the very last minute. I have also thought for a long time that buses should be fitted with chariot wheels to deal with cars illegally parked in the bus lane. Similarly it should be legal to key any car parked in a clearway.

    Last but not least… Soft roaders… I know I need to be saved from myself O benevolent dictator!


    1. Couldn’t agree with you more Clex. Let’s start with the diesels, followed by the soft roaders (the RAV4 springs immediately to mind) and I now have this great vision of Charlton Heston driving the 46A leaving a trail of destruction in his wake!


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